Tuesday, March 3, 2015

I'm No Fertile Myrtle...

Looking at our family, certain assumptions may be made.

The thing with assumptions is that they are almost always wrong.

Assuming I must get pregnant really easily is one of those cases.

Yes, we have four kids, but it was not because my husband can get me pregnant "by just looking at me."

I'm no fertile myrtle. It took a lot of patience, a lot of waiting, a lot of tears, a lot of appointments, medications, tests and procedures to finally get pregnant with our sweet Mermaid Girl.

I will never forget the day I got a positive pregnancy test: I was ecstatic and terrified all at once. I had waited for this day for a very long time and now that I had a little life growing inside me, I didn't want
anything to ever happen to make it stop growing.

Her pregnancy was wonderful, but always tainted with moments of panic, moments that I would lose it all.

Each pregnancy after that came after many months of trying. Each time using more natural and holistic ways to boost my fertility and to nurture and nourish my body and the new life growing within. Each time bringing more acceptance and peace and trusting that whatever needed to happen, would.

It's kind of sad to admit it, but as much as I absolutely LOVED being pregnant each time, in the back of my mind there was always a little tiny bit of knowing that all it would take would be a moment, and that sweet little baby growing inside me could be no more.

Having experienced infertility, two early pregnancy losses and all the emotions that come with that, made me humbled, made me really respect and be in awe of the miracle and fragility of life. I became beyond grateful because I know I am blessed to be able to hold each of my darling babies in my arms, warm and wiggling and to watch them grow.

Despite the painful and arduous journey of bringing my four beautiful babies Earthside, I would not change it for anything because it has made me the person I am today...and I like being me. I have gained so much more than I ever lost. I became more connected to my body and learned to trust its cues and signs. This in turn, helped me strengthen my intuition, which was amazing for childbirth and has served me well during motherhood. My journey made me realize that I wanted to be a very mindfully present parent (and person), to really connect with my babies and this in turn, made me the mother I am today...and I hope my kids think I'm a good one.

I'm sharing this because I know how isolating infertility and pregnancy loss can feel. I know the emotional roller coaster ride that you just wish you could get off of, but know that if you do, it means you're giving up. I know how it feels to give up. Sometimes...and for a while...and then get back
to trying again. I know the feelings of guilt, confusion and despair that come from simply seeing a family with their baby or children. Of feeling anguish (but not wanting to feel this way) when people in your life announce their happy news and not really having anyone to talk to about it. Or even worse, to know how to talk about it. I know the hope that builds up as you anticipate and wait, and then the crushing devastation that comes when you see those red streaks instead of those two pink lines. Of not being able to understand why it's all happening, or not happening and wanting so much to just find the right thing that's going to make it work. And, I also know I am so blessed to know the joy that fills every cell in your body when the dream finally comes true.

I know that it's necessary to feel everything we need to feel, it's essential to validate our feelings and emotions, but maybe we don't have to do it alone. Infertility doesn't need to be a sentence to lonelyville because there are many of us around who know what it's like, and maybe talking and just having someone to hold the space for us while we vent is all we need to help us get back to feeling hopeful.

If I could say just one thing to encourage someone going through something similar, it would be to be to find your Zen. This doesn't mean you are all calm and speak in hushed tones and have all the wise answers. No, it means that despite the difficulties, you feel loved and secure. Despite turmoil and a big unknown path ahead of you, you feel courageous to walk ahead. I'd say "don't give up," but sometimes that doesn't work. Sometimes we need to be totally vulnerable to find our strength. So it's OK to give up if that's what you need to do. There is no weakness in surrendering. Just remember that surrender doesn't mean the end. It means you are open to a new beginning. And sometimes that's how we find the answers we need to get back on our feet. It all may not turn out exactly how we had thought it would, but somehow dreams can and do come true.

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