Watch Out Fake Brain

As part of my doula work, I am passionate about advocacy. I encourage parents-to-be to advocate for themselves and their babies...to ask for informed decision process and to stand up for their rights.

Well, I should know by now that life has a way of slapping you in the face with the truth.

The truth is that in my real life, I am "too nice". I have a hard time saying no, to ask for what I want, and, if I don't get what I want, to stand up for myself and say so.

For example, if I get a haircut and it is not what I wanted, I may or may not say something. If I do say something it's usually only part of the whole truth and in the end I still don't get what I wanted.

Another example, a few months ago I hired a woman to help me clean the house. We agreed on pay for 4 hours of work. She finished the work an hour earlier, and instead of asking what else she could do, she left and still charged me the amount as if for 4 hours. Not such a big deal I told myself, but she did it again the next time she came. Then she burned my hardwood floor with the steam mop. Repairing that is going to cost us quite a bit. So I didn't ask her to come back. But still, I didn't tell her the real reason why, I didn't stand up for myself the first time she took advantage.

The past week and a half, I've been noticing this trend in myself and being really observant and mindful about it. No judgement, just observing it. Accepting it.

But now I have gone past the observation phase and I am in the action phase.

Don't get me wrong though, it's not like I am a complete pushover, it's just that I am sometimes hesitant of standing up for myself, when I should be. I rationalize it and think, oh it's no big deal. But then those moments add up and I look and have a whole string of moments that left me without my voice, my power. It's not that I am wanting to turn myself into a bitch, I just want to remember and know I have a voice. And that there is a way to make my voice heard without being rude or hurtful.

With the most recent action taken being that my nanny tried to change her schedule without much notice. I kindly told her, "Sorry, but no. Come when we agreed you would come, I've already made plans."

And guess what, no one exploded or cried, she didn't quit or yell at me.

She said, "OK, no problem." And we had a great day.

Not only do I need to stand up for myself with others, but with ME too.

Side-but-related story: Mermaid Girl came up with the idea of a "fake brain" a couple of years ago when I tried to explain to her what I did as a Life Coach, helping people overcome their own internal self-saboteur. She looked at me and said quite matter-of-fact-ly, "Oh, it's their fake brain." Wise words kiddo.

So I am also standing up to my fake brain. I have been going to yoga classes regularly because I love it. I feel great during and after. It makes me a better person to take care of myself.

Watch out Fake Brain, here comes authentic, vibrant and strong Kat!

Me and Bebecita
Look how big she's getting!

Double standard?

source not known, came across it on my facebook feed

This picture showed up on my facebook newsfeed this evening. And I couldn't keep my mouth shut...so here goes....

It is blatantly discriminatory and degrading...not only to "women without curves", but to all women.

Why does this double standard exist?

It certainly wouldn't be OK if the message was written about the opposite situation.

So why is it OK to say things like this?

Well, the truth is that it's not OK. As a woman who would be considered "without curves" {might I add I am healthy and do not have an eating disorder or do extreme dieting, etc. I am just thin. Healthy and thin}, I take offense to being classified as boring simply because of my physical appearance.

Plus, this image and its message is offensive to ALL women because it is sexualizing us, equating us to a "sex ride". Not only that, but it is also categorizing women into very degrading, sexist, and offensive roles. Just look at how the two women are dressed.

I know many would just ignore it. Scroll by it without comment or notice.

But what's even worse, is that this picture has a whole 'lotta likes on facebook. Really? And so many of these likes are from women. Sad, really. It's sad that our great-grandmothers and our grandmothers and our mothers have worked so hard towards the rights of women, to move beyond attributing characteristics simply based on looks...and in one crappily-put-together picture such as this, it's all forgotten...it all seems to go out the window.

Don't get me wrong, it's OK to feel good about our bodies. If we are curvy, then great, and yes, we should feel exciting and sexy and beautiful. The same goes if we are not curvy. What's not OK is to use one group of women against another in an attempt to feel better about our own self image or about how we are perceived by others.

Women of all sizes and shapes and of all walks of life need to say this is not OK. And men too. Men who believe in equality and who respect women are just as important as the women who seek and deserve this respect and equality.

I know it's going to take much more than posts like this to change societal attitude.

But I believe that change can happen.

And it all begins at home. If we raise our children with respect, equality, compassion and teaching the value and importance of these...when they grow up they will bring these into society.

And create a different {hopefully, better} world.

Special

I've been a bit busy the past few weeks. I had a client due in mid December, then 2 due in early January. So I've been gone in the evenings a bit for prenatal visits...and then of course gone for their labours. I love it.

My kids, not so much. They know it's important work for me, but they miss me.

Particularly because it's not typical working hours. When I'm at a birth, I can be gone for a whole day or more.

I miss them too, but I also know it's a short bit of time, compared to the majority of hours I do spend with them.

I try to explain that, especially to Mermaid Girl as she is the one that misses me most...or at least is most expressive about it.

She now asks me every single night if I have to go. Some days I say I do have to go, to meetings or even just to hang out with friends for an evening out.

But most nights I do get to tuck her in, cuddle with her for a while (ahem, fall asleep in her bed for an hour!), and be here when she awakes in the morning.

I think she's understanding now that she gets more mathematical concepts that the time I am away is way less than the time I am home.

Tonight she asked me again if I had to go.

On a whim I decided to play a little game with her to help reassure her and soothe her separation concern.

I said somewhat seriously, "Yes, I have a meeting."

"But Daddy said you didn't have to! Where are you going, to a meeting away or on the computer?"

{Haha, I do also have skype meetings once in a while.}

"It's a meeting with someone very important and very, VERY special. I just can't miss it!"

She started to look a bit confused....and sad.

"Who are you meeting with?"

I smiled and pointed at her.

For a minute she didn't get it and then it made sense and she laughed.

The expression on her face was priceless.

"I am very special?" She asked with a little grin.

"Oh my gosh YES! You are super special. And there is no way I am missing our bedtime lullaby and cuddle meeting."

And I didn't.

And now I am wide awake because I had an hour and 20 minute nap next to my super special little girl.

Funny Faces!
I know it has nothing to do with the post, but I thought I's share for a laugh :-)

P.S. Just so there is no gaping holes in the story, the other two munchkins are not neglected! They are super special too. Sharky Boy shares a room with Mermaid Girl {yay bunkbeds!) and I snuggle with him and kiss him goodnight first and then his Daddy cuddles with him till he falls asleep, on most nights. I cuddle with Mermaid Girl most nights. Some nights we switch it up and other nights they fall asleep on their own after hugs and kisses goodnight. Bebecita falls asleep after stories and oodles of hugs and kisses, way before her sis and bro are asleep, and is usually zonked out within 5 minutes of laying her down. Ah yes, that is bedtime in our home :-)

Euthanasia

"Dogs are not our whole lives, but they make our lives whole."

- Roger Caras

June 2009
K (in back), B (in front), Me, Mermaid Girl and Sharky Boy (in utero)

On December 15 or dog Kali became paralyzed from the chest down. She was fine when we all first woke up, and then very suddenly when we took her out to go pee, she couldn't walk. It was obvious she was in a whole lot of pain. She wouldn't eat, drink or go to the bathroom. We took her to the vet, who prescribed some steroids and painkillers. She determined that it was very likely that Kali had ruptured a disk (or more) in her back. And according to several other factors, the prognosis didn't look good. But we had to give the steroids a try, to see if they could help reduce the inflammation and return some of her mobility back, and reduce the pain. The next few days were hard. It was heartbreaking to see her laying there, in pain and unable to do the things she enjoyed. Kali was an avid food searcher. And now, she would barely even touch food hand-fed to her.

The pain meds helped a bit and she began eating and drinking a bit more, but she still wasn't herself. She couldn't go pee or poo on her own, and even when we carried her outside and helped her squat, she was in so much pain she couldn't relax enough to go. So, she ended up peeing and pooping on the towel or her doggy bed she was laying on in the house.

It's hard seeing your dog deteriorate. And it's hard having to clean up after them. And worse, it was hard to see the pain and shame in Kali's eyes. She was such a proud, happy dog....and she was now so unhappy and felt guilty for not being able to control her pee and poo.

After almost a week, with no improvement, we had another vet consult. Surgery was not an option because of her age and the extent of the damage, further investigation was deemed to not really be helpful. Because of her age a lot of the options were also not an feasible or recommended.

So, together with the vet, we made the very hard decision to euthanize. She wasn't going to get better. But because she still had her consciousness, it was so hard to look her in the eye and tell her goodbye. I don't think I've ever had to do anything so hard. Deep down, I knew she would not let go on her own. She was loyal to the end, and wouldn't let her guard down, even to end the pain and die quietly and peacefully...no way, not on her watch. So we had to help her and relieve her pain.

We thought that because the kids, in particular Mermaid Girl, had just witnessed the death of our other dog Bobbi just 2 months ago, that seeing her other dog die as well would be too much.

So, it was just hubby and I holding her while it all happened. And it happened so quickly. A little needle for a tranquilizer, which made her sleepy and she drifted off, and then the pentobarbitol, which stopped her heart within 2 minutes. Then she was gone.

When we got home, without Kali, Mermaid Girl freaked out. We had been preparing her for this since the day she got paralyzed, but it was still a shock to her. And I learned a mighty important lesson from her...among her sobs and cries of sorrow she asked, "Why didn't I get to be there too?" I explained to her that I wanted to protect her from seeing Kali dying because she had not long ago seen Bobbi dying. And she replied, "But I don't need you to protect me! I wanted to be there!"

This broke my heart even more. Of course she wanted to be there. I knew that, but I just couldn't bring myself to putting her through that again. In the end, whatever we choose, we do so knowing that we may make a mistake. Perhaps if I had brought her with us, she would have been traumatized and I would have had to live with that decision.

I suppose it all played out how it was supposed to. Mermaid Girl is doing better, but there are times she gets so sad and I ask her if she misses Kali and she just nods. I am considering grief counseling, I just recognize that perhaps this is beyond my ability to help her deal with it, as I am grieving too. But I don't know...perhaps she just needs time to go through the process.

The house certainly feels a little more empty. All of the important milestones in our lives as a family have our dogs entwined into them. We went from having two dogs, to not having dogs at all, within the span of 2 months. Kali was 12 1/2 years when she died and Bobbi was almost 7 years. And we went from having a dog in the family for over 20 years, to now, having none. And I don't think we'll get another one anytime soon, if at all.

We still look over to were they used to lay and think, "Oh it's time to take them out." I also find myself thinking I need to fill their water bowl or feed them. We still have their leashes and their kennel and their cushion bed. We had hung up a stocking for Kali, which we left up for Christmas. It was too soon to remove all aspects of her memory.

I suppose it's part of what you sign up for when you decide to get a pet. But no matter how much you prepare mentally for it, when the end comes, it's still heartbreaking. It's even more heartbreaking because there were times they did drive me crazy! Like barking when the babies were sleeping and all their hair EVERYWHERE. But now, those things seem trivial. When you lose the whole being, you realize the little things they did or were that bothered you are nothing compared to what their complete absence feels like.

I don't think even time will be able to completely erase the routines we had with them. But little by little, we are putting things away. Not thrown away, just tucked away somewhere safe, just like our memories of our sweet, loyal, loving dogs.

Sadness

There are no words...for what happened last Friday. All those sweet, innocent lives...suddenly gone.

Having a child the age those sweet angels were, has really hit close to home. 

My heart is heavy and broken for all those Mamas and families now missing their sweet babies, their daughters and sons.

I wish there was something I could do...to help, to comfort...but the reality is what could any of us do? We can't turn back time and stop this from happening, which is the only thing that would help.

But I hope that all this is not in vain. There is a lot of talk and demand for a call to action...as there well should be. But what?

What is the heavy, deep question.

My personal views don't matter much. But it seems to me that in the last few decades it has become very apparent that our society and culture is sending out a cry for help.

Violence is never OK. Especially when it takes the lives of the innocent.

It should not be acceptable for us to live in a society where this is even a possibility. I mean it's freaking 2012. Maybe we have forgotten we are not alone. Maybe we have forgotten how to come together. How all of us banded together, demanding change, is a powerful driving force. If a major change to prevent future acts of violence does not come from this horrible, tragic event...then we are a sad and sicker society than I thought. Which I actually believe we are not. I believe we can improve things for the better. My hope is that the loss and pain and heart wrenching sorrow each of these families is enduring is not in vain.

On The Sly

What a day I've had. If I told you about it, you probably wouldn't believe it. But it's all true, I swear.

It all started with a cranky morning. For some reason, all three kids woke up grouchy. Their usual wake-up routine was thrown off for some reason. I blame it on the husband. Poor guy, it's not actually his fault. I know he does his best, which is actually awesome, but today for some reason his little critics were not on his side.

Sharky Boy said the oatmeal was too hot and the honey wasn't dissolved. Bebecita was waiting for him in her bed, and got upset when instead I came in to get her. Mermaid Girl was sad he was going to work and pouted and whined.

I was thinking, "Damn you kids! Be grateful you even have a Daddy...who makes you breakfast AND is willing to work his ass off all day to feed you, put a roof over your head and buy you clothes and all the food you eat!"

But of course I kept that to myself and prepped myself for a rough morning.

Which it was. 

Of all days, of course it had to be the day we needed to get out the door to piano class, post office and the grocery store.

I began getting them ready 45 minutes before we had to leave. FORTY FIVE minutes. 

It still wasn't enough.

Picture this...

Snack bag was packed. Diaper bag ready. Coats on, boots on, ready to go out the door, when...

Mermaid Girl throws, yes THROWS herself to the ground yelling, "I have to PEE! MOMEEE!!! I have to PEE!!"

In my head, "You've got to be kidding me!!! She just went pee."

She really just had.

In real life, defeated: "OK...go."

Off went the boots and the coat.

Meanwhile, I see Sharky Boy lick his finger on the sly. And I think, "I know that sort of lick."

I say, "You just stuck your finger in your butt and licked it, didn't you?"

In my head, "HOLY CRAP! What is wrong with this kid! Why do kids like sticking their fingers in their butts and then LICKING them! Ugggg!"

He hesitantly admits he did in fact do just that.

So, off come his boots and coat, and we go and wash his hands. And for good measure, I wiped his butt, and as I suspected there was a tiny streak of poo. Darn poopy farts, or darn Daddy's wiping technique. And, great, my son just ingested his own poop. Gross.

No time to dwell on that.

We need to leave. 

Oh shoot, now where is Bebecita?

Well, in those couple of minutes of pee time and finger-washing-butt-cleaning time she has managed to get herself into the living room and she's also taken off her boots and her coat. Oh and yes, she's pooped.

Great.

Back at square one, minus a few squares.

So I go up to her room to change her and all is going well, until she managed to do a super ninja baby move and stuck her hand right on her poop.

You'd think I'd have the diaper changing down to a science, but apparently not. At least not today.

I feel a few tears start running down my cheeks. Because, on top of everything else, I have my period and feel slightly emotionally vulnerable and I'm so freaking tired. Not a good combination for this kind of morning event to occur.

Somehow, we manage to get out the door, into the van all buckled in, and we're late, but not super late.

I have sweat like I just ran a race (all that boot and coat wrangling, carrying baby to car, and then putting everyone and everything in the van is hard work), I probably have invisible poop on me and have messed up my makeup with the crying.

Needless to say, we only managed to get to piano class and the post office (because I HAD to ship something out today), and I cancelled the other errands.

Mermaid Girl's Painting
{Which I think is just fantastic, but I do admit I may be biased}

We survived the rest of this hard day. But barely. There was a lot more crying and whining and fighting, and broken toys and more and more crying. And very little quiet and no napping. We did get in some art time and story time cuddles in the afternoon to recoup and relax after a day that started off rough. But we did live to tell the tale, which is kind of funny now because you really can't make this stuff up.

And now, thankfully, they are all ASLEEP.

And hopefully tomorrow is better, and less poopy.

And we have some beautiful art to remind us of our day.

One day we'll look back on the paintings and say, "Yes, remember we painted that the day Mermaid Girl freaked out, Sharky Boy licked his butt finger, Bebecita stuck her hand in her poopy diaper and Mommy cried?" 

And we'll have a good laugh.